What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
