Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
