Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
