i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
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