Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
