hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
