she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
