well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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