so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
