the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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