my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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