I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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