I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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