just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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