His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
