I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
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