Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
