So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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