i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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