watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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