someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
