i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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