so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
