The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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