i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
