you traded sex for a burrito?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
So. Much. Porn.
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