chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
