I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Just invented taco cereal.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
