also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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