I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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