You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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