Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
