Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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