nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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