I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
