Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
