i permit you to call me
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Randomize
