I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
