wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize