Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
