Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
