At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
