Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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