I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
