They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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