Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
