My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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