my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
