I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
