come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
