pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
