i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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