after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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