my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
