gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
We're hate flirting, damnit.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
