I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
