I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
