i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
