At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
