so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
