Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
