Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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