I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
