Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
She bit a glass in half.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
