i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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