what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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