Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
