My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
