Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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