____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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