I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
